Aries:
All the fan-fiction in the world won't reunite the cast of Facts of Life.

Taurus:
You always wondered about the mysterious Red Bull ingredient taurine. Your questions will be answered when henchmen from the bottling company of the popular energy drink come for you in your sleep.

Gemini:
Whether you're on the right track or not, the train will still kill you.

Cancer:
Fall asleep in the library again because everyone likes looking at your butt crack.

Leo:
Arafat will still remain in power over the next couple months, but only because his cabinet has seen Weekend at Bernie's.

Virgo:
You have trouble feeling safe from terrorists inside your own home. You defend yourself by banning gay marriage in your kitchen.

Libra:
Linkin Park's new song "Curfew Wounds" will reach Internet double-platinum when it is featured in the "Currently listening to" section of 2 million blogs.

Scorpio:
This week you will accidently sleep through that big exam, your significant other will find her actual soul-mate, and your best friend will kick you in the nuts, hard. However, when all seems lost -- at least your astrological sign isn't a crab, virgin, or scale.

Sagittarius:
Death awaits you this week, but if you check its away message, you can avoid it.

Aquaricorn:
You will meet the girl plucked right from your dreams. Unfortunately, it was the dream in which you were tortured for hours by a drooling cave-woman with a hairy chest.

Pisces:
Your avid love for bowling, playing soccer, and fishing dictates that no one will ever watch you on TV.


Later.

Name.

URL.

[to enter your email, use "mailto:youremail@domain.com"]
Subject.

Comment.

Word verification.

Copy the first 4 characters only.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.